My Best Friend

It hurts so bad when I look at what my old friends are doing. Remind me to never go on Facebook again. To watch these girls I used to know blossom into beautiful women. Graceful women with long legs, full breasts, sharp faces. My friends, still each other's best friends, drinking wine, traveling to Paris, smoking cigarettes. They have grown up and turned into something unrecognizable.

I'm jealous, sad, nostalgic. I feel so left behind. I am longing for something so intensely but I don't know what. There is something huge missing from my life. It's the same painful, raw hole that has been aching inside me since I was 13. Drugs helped, starving helped, sex helped, shopping, being thin, eating, purging, cutting, screaming, fighting, running away, writing, reading, crying. It makes me feel whole while it lasts. But when it wears off I am left with even less than before.

They say in AA that it's a "god sized hole." That if I could let a higher power into my life it would go away. And I'm trying. I'm trying to keep an open mind and do what's suggested. I am trying to trust that there is a plan for me, that I was meant for something more than just this. I've had this feeling since I was a little girl, I remember it like it was yesterday. Writing in my diary, breathless with such an intense feeling of want. Knowing that something incredible was going to happen to me.

I cannot be working a nine to five job like this for the next thirty years. I am going to go back to school- I want to become the best me I can be. I want to learn. I want to be the best at something other than drugs and vomiting. Maybe it will be with my writing. Something I have a natural talent for, not something that I would have to struggle so hard with. I've always admired those who can play piano or violin, but music has never come easily to me. My reading and writing, however, has always come naturally to me. It has always been fun. I have never entertained any ideas of being a novelist- I do not enjoy that kind of writing, nor am I good at it. I have so much time though. Maybe that was why this happened to me. Maybe I had to go through this to become aware. I wonder how many people float through their lives without ever getting a wake-up call.