I've been lurking around on a few "pro-ana/mia" discussion boards for a while. I've joined a few times before, but I tend to run into the same problems and the same bizarre people no matter which one I post on.
I think the main problem is that no one seems to have the same definition of "pro-ED". Some people think it's a place for diagnosed ED people to discuss and encourage eachother. Some people think it's a lifestyle choice- like a kind of extreme diet they've decided to start. Others think it's something akin to a suicide discussion board- a place where severely depressed, disordered people egg eachother on to the grave.
I'm still not entirely sure how I would define it- or what I'm looking for from it. On a very basic level, I know that once I restrict, over exercise and purge to a certain point I become OBSESSED with food, calories, etc. (Although to be fair I'm unhealthily obsessed with food even when I eat "normally") It's a natural response that everyone experiences when they aren't getting enough to eat- voluntarily or by force. So it makes sense that one would seek out other people to talk to about it. Ideally, I think I would just like somewhere to just talk to other girls going through something similar.
The people I tend to run into, however, generally fall into three groups.
Group number one is by far the smallest- women who have been diagnosed anorexic, bulimic or EDNOS. Most have been to treatment at least once and are ambivilent as to whether they want to recover.
Group two is made up of women who engage in unhealthy eating behaviors but are at a normal weight and seem to be crash dieters more than anything else. I think some of these women are in danger of tipping the scales into a genuine eating disorder and may show signs of either anorexia or bulimia.
Group three is a strange mix of misfits who seem to be looking for some kind of solace in a world they see as accepting of the troubled. I don't doubt that most of these girls (who tend to be very young) have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food. But when I read a "pro-ana" blog where a girl writes that she has been anorexic for three years, yet weighs 220 pounds, I'm not quite sure what to think.
A big part is probably how glamourized anorexia has become- some young girls seem to think that anorexia is a very glorified way of getting a lot of attention. After seeing so many "anorexic" models and actresses, I can see how you would start to associate happiness, beauty, and wealth with the disorder. Of course if you are or have ever known an anorexic, the disorder has precious little to do with any of these.
I tend to get extremely irritated with these girls who have confused anorexia with a diet, but I have to remember that they probably just don't know any better. They don't understand the difference between a mental illness and a diet. I just feel disappointed when I post something, hoping to get an insightful response, and someone with an avatar of a Victoria's Secret model tells me I should stop being bulimic and be anorexic instead, because "bulimia takes too long".
I think another reason I feel out of place on these boards is that there are very few bulimic sites/conversation. I think bulimia is considered the less glamorous sister of anorexia, which means there are far fewer "wanna-be's" but also just fewer people talking about it in general. I've always wished I could stop purging- but I can't choose my eating disorder.
In one of my classes in treatment they described the typical emotional/relationship problems of an anorexic versus a bulimic. Anorexics tend to be very distant and controlling in their relationships- usually very isolated and reluctant to let people in. Bulimics, however, tend to be incredibly impulsive. The disorder is characterized by sudden, implusive decisions- binging and purging. Likewise, the bulimic tends to be more promiscuous, are more likely to drink and use drugs, and will alternate between becoming very close with other people and suddenly shutting down and pulling away.
I've noticed that pattern in my life ever since I was in middle school- I would have one friend, become incredibly close, and then one day decide I never wanted to see them again. Obviously, the drug use and drinking I took to an extreme, especially because ED's and drugs go so well together. Although I wouldn't define myself as promiscuous, I can admit that most of my sexual encounters when I was younger were incredibly impulsive and often dangerous.
I've thought for a while about going to a 12 step program for my eating disorder- but the idea just seems so odd to me. Unlike drugs or alcohol, I feel like there's no real measure of "sobriety." My eternal struggle with food is that I can never just quit. If someone had told me when I first got sober that I would only be allowed to shoot up twice a day I would have gone insane. An addiction, by definition, means that you cannot control your use. So the fact that I must eat if I want to live is something I find endlessly troubling. How do you control something that controls you?
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