AAAH! I'm back at 121. How? I don't know. I'm trying to calm myself and tell myself it's only bloating from my period that's about to start.
My problem is that it's easy to starve when I'm doing well- when I feel fat I just want to eat, eat eat. Today and yesterday I stuffed myself with sweets. I didn't purge and I'm not sure why. I hate the feeling in my stomach but my purging was getting really out of hand and it was starting to scare me. I'm hoping these last couple days have revved up my metabolism and I can start to get a handle on things again. I feel so fat, so helpless.
It's so hard for me to resist the temptation to just say "fuck-it" when things go bad. So I'm making a pact with myself... I can't do sweets anymore. That means no cake, no cookies, no honey bunches of oats, no pop tarts, no cinnamon rolls, no waffles, no white bread. No no no.
Because I feel so terrible after I eat something like that and it becomes the first step in a long binge. I feel so sick and bloated- I'm just going to ride it out though. I can't keep purging like I have been. I feel like I'm punishing myself- I can't keep turning to throwing up to get me out a mess. I need control over this but I feel so weak.
I'm praying to whatever force seems to be steering my life to please let me honor my food commitments and help me get down to 110.
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